Dear Daddy,

If you were still with us here, you would have turned another year older.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD!

You’re still sorely missed. So many things have happened since your last birthday. Today’s day 468 since you’ve been gone. Have you met Pastor Henry up there yet? We got the sudden news that he left us whilst away on a mission trip to India. I told him to give you a hug when he sees you, did you receive that hug?

Dad & Mum

I was so shocked when I received the news that I made a call to Mum. And then I felt sad that his family had to go through what we went through when we lost you too. Not something I would recommend others to experience too. It feels so surreal that he’s gone. I mean, I wouldn’t say I was especially close to Pastor Henry, even though he’s watched me grow up in church and all. But he was somebody that I’ve known my whole life. Like, whenever I’m back in Singapore, whenever I go to church, he was there. He was always there. Now, he won’t be, it’s just— … Sigh. To me, at the moment, it just feels like he is somewhere else, and we just haven’t spoken in a long time. Maybe it’s because I didn’t get to attend his funeral? For you, your funeral was the thing that really told me that you were really gone. Everything just sunk in. That was it. This is real. The pictures, the flowers, the coffin. All real.

I finally got my driving license. And I have since started driving around to uni and to the shops and whatnot. Kinda wish you were still around to teach me about cars. Surely you would have had some tips on how I should properly maintain my car. Right? And now, whenever I see one of those classic Volkswagen Beetles, it reminds me of you. At times I would wish I could drive a manual, so that I could get one of those Beetles. But then again, it’s too complicated for my simple brain to handle. Haha.

How have you been, Dad? Are you watching me from above?

This year is suppose to be our last year of lectures/classes for our course. Next year comprises of mainly clinical placements. You know, after studying what I’ve been studying these few years. There have been times when I’ve wished I had this knowledge earlier, because then, I would have attempted to do something with you while you were still with us. Even like with swallowing, if I knew what I know now, maybe then, I could have been able to do something to make the last few months you had with us better. I would have known how to help you eat better, how to feed you better.Or even before that, when you were only just mildy aphasic, what I could have done to help you communicate better. All the things I could have done. Studying this course can be depressing sometimes.

Did you know, Dad. Since you’ve been gone, every time I go for one of our family dinners at grandma’s place. One of our relatives never fail to tell me to work hard at uni and make sure I return to Singapore when I graduate because you’re no longer around and so I should return to keep mum company. Almost all the kind-hearted advice would end with ‘… You know, because, your dad isn’t around anymore…’ Seriously, I think they’re way more worried about things than Mum is. Mum’s all chill, whilst everyone else seem to be freaking out, just mildly. Haha. I can understand where they’re coming from, and why they’re worried though. But, sometimes I just find this really amusing.

Honestly, Dad, I had so much in my head that I originally wanted to write in this post. But then now, I can’t even recall one. Next time, I will make little notes somewhere to remind myself. So that when I actually sit down to write you something, I will have my little points ready!

Love you too,

Elaine

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